My first post. I am so excited to start this journey. I started this blogspot when I was one month short of the end of my first most meaningful relationship. I edited my profile information two months after the breakup. I finally wrote it. I waited, because this blogspot was a fresh template for me. I wanted to create a place where I only wrote about what is true. I have stared at my fresh, new, and blank blog many times. I never found something I deemed appropriate to write. I was trying to start a blog that shows a certain kind of person; someone who is perfect and adventurous. Whenever I remember that I wanted to start a blog and that I have an empty one waiting for me to fill it up, I search my thoughts, force myself to stop at one that is kind of worthwhile, and then continue to convince myself that it is the one topic to start my blog with. It felt forced. This, tonight feels natural. I feel I am writing MY blog and not a blog. I am so happy.
It all started by my window. I was just sitting there with the window wide open and looking at the lovely leaves. My little station transformed to a beautiful resort in Thailand in my mind, and then, then and there, I realized I have not stopped to just think about what I want, even if it was fantisizing, it was spending some time with myself.
After my breakup I was devasted. I was so worried. I felt threatened. Every insecurity I have ever had in my life became real. I set myself on a journey to be perfect. Perfect to others. I am a confident person who is quirky in many ways. Before the relationship, I had alot of insecurities but I was always able to see them as only insecurities. I never focused on what was wrong with me for too long, because I was always thinking about my goals: what I want to do. In the aftermath of the relationship I was so focused on what other people wanted from me that I did not stop to see why I was unhappy. I forgot to ask Stacey what is hurting and what can I do for her. I was neglecting myself. I even went out of my way to hide myself. That is the reason why it was so hard to start this blog. I was not sure which person I wanted to present. I have not truly checked in with myself for so long, I was not sure who I was! I am so excited to write this first piece of my journey because it starts by being aware of me. I want this blog to follow me. I am only now starting to acknowledge and listen to myself. My first journey is to search within and bring myself back, then it is on to nurturing this beautiful person with wondrous adventures, so that she does not leave me again. I am so excited to start to listen to me. I would love to reflect on my childhood dreams, where everytime I closed my eyes I am traveling through Thailand. This is so serene; just sending myself love with every thought. I do not need a man/anyother to give me that undivided attention that makes my whole being feel cared for, loved, and happy. I can provide myself with these sweet attention, love, and affection. I am so in love :)
